22 March, 2020
On my way to freedom…
It’s a Sunday, nationwide strike today to convey our gratitude to the people working non stop during this pandemic. At 10.20 am I get out of my bed but I don’t want to. I am currently reading two books; ‘A Book of Simple Life by Ruskin Bond’, don’t judge, this is my first book of Ruskin which I have started and now I feel bad I didn’t start it any sooner. The streets are surprisingly calm today, not a single horn is heard. I have kept my project bulletin board in front of me since the last whole week but somehow I find it difficult to concentrate. I hear loud noises from buildings around me, people chatting. For the first time in 15 years I am actually hearing songs and people laughing, clearly everyone is catching up with their family members. Some kids are still playing outside, ugh, so stupid, I know you probably want to play outside but cmon, this is just a matter of sometime I am letting it go, I come to my WFH office immediately, mornings give it a beautiful bright look since the sun enters and it's all fresh, I could use a bit of a fresh sight right now.
It’s my third break down since the quarantine. No, why would I lie pretending that I am strong about this? I have my bad phases too. But it’s a lot easier to sit in my office and feel things than to show it in front of Ma & Pa, they are already a little upset and concerned. Hence, I reach near my window, sobbing. My eyes are completely wet by now, I think I am just overwhelmed seeing the sun & trees in my backyard that I smile as well as I cry, and this feeling is relatively new hence I think I am unable to understand myself by now. The neighbours who usually are fighting and screaming loudly seem to have lowered their voice. I hear birds loudly today, my compound dogs barking strangely. Then they see me, run towards my window and are wondering why am I not petting them by now.
I wonder about only one person all this while, maybe to make myself feel better and stop sulking. No, stop guessing lol. I am talking about Anne Frank guys :P
In fact, I think about Anne every single day since the self isolation period has started. I couldn’t help myself but to understand how she lived, her mood swings and that she had such a difficult time but to find the courage and still think at the end of the day that “Inspite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.” Where would you find this courage, Anne after everything you have been through? But her positive spirit keeps me going every single day. We have the liberty to go out to at least buy groceries, we can watch anything, speak to anybody we want to. Anne did not have those luxuries guys, so what are we cribbing about? I completely understand that situation is exactly the opposite of ideal but we all have to stick together by managing social distancing. You get me? I was supposed to attend my first Goan wedding this year of my ex colleague & mentor Maruska, but I don’t think I would be able to go anytime soon, Goa seems far. Oh, I just realised, I am writing a blog after so long, I don’t even remember the last time I opened pages on Mac and actually completed writing something, but I think it’s this exact soothing chirping of birds that is keeping me going every single day and giving me a push to write again.
I am starting to actually understand what mom spoke about all these years. The importance of basic hygiene, not that I didn’t do it but as a kid I was pretty mischievous, haha. Our family is chill 90% of the time, we do argue, sometimes it turns into a heated argument too but that is a rare case. I had my worst fears in front of my eyes since the self isolation was announced; my house shouldn’t turn into a Big Boss House for crying out loud. That is the last thing I want. But surprisingly, today afternoon I found myself sitting with my little sister, Ma & Pa gossiping literally. I miss seeing my grandmas, I miss Pune. I miss Gaurav and Sky, all my memories with them are flashing in front of my eyes. History sessions and field tours with Krupali. Some random ass video calls with Aishwarya, Rahul and Vivek, planning trips with Ashwini, then there is Adi who is currently in Australia, Aakash, Farha & Shailesh in Goa, Dharma who took care of me in my Goa house rental, I miss my Rajasthan crew, so much. I miss my Goa so much. So damn much. The lush green streets, colourful Portuguese houses, me sitting in the verandah with music and my friends having wine, having a good time.
Do you realise? How many things you are grateful for? So many realisations every single day, the people I took for granted, the people whom I love immensely, the mistakes I did and lost people because of those, I am writing this with tears in my eyes. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. The universe listens when you ask for something and it has taught me a lesson for life. We all need to slow down a little bit. Give ourselves time to heal from our pasts, our sorrows and just work for our own betterment end of the day. I practically opened my journal today which has tiny leaves and flowers I collect from time to time, they look pretty now and the faded colour adds more flavour to it. I make ginger tea, stand near my office window, look outside once again, watching the trees, the cool breeze. It’s surprising that the weather has become chill these days, maybe also because the pollution has reduced drastically. There are sparrows coming near my window every single day and sitting on the bars.
Also thinking of making a few changes to my bedroom by the way. The current office will be turned into our bedroom & my office space will be shifted to my current bedroom. It’s a long process but I have finally started to implement the basic ideas. Maybe quarantine isn’t that bad after all. Haven’t seen my parents this relaxed in a very long time. They are now watching back to back old movies, yesterday at 2 am, mom comes smiling alright. That usually never happened but yesterday, surprised at her own actions she comes to me grinning widely and says, “Pa & I are watching back to back movies hahaha!”. I was shocked, I swear. I gave her a weird laugh and asked her to go back & enjoy her time. We had on the rocks whiskey at night. I can actually hear birds singing at night too. What is happening? Whenever I work in my office, I see my fairy lights & pins on it. Attached to the pins are some of my beautiful memories with people as well as my solo trips, my milestones, all of them remind me of my good times, my thought process during every situation. Then on the left shelf are some books I have decided to read since like forever, ugh.
I finally started with one, maybe because I want to feel the nature more than ever, right now. I scratch my head, it’s 2.15 am now, I am drinking ginger tea again, feels good. I put my head out of the window, a cool breeze blows everywhere, it’s so calm & quiet, not a single vehicle in my vicinity. I do read news every single day to keep myself updated but I don’t freak out, on purpose. Listening to Lucky Ali’s O Sanam (apparently my new favourite song), I start writing whatever I feel, I am surprisingly so calm and content right now. By the way, Lucky Ali as my husband? Any day haan. I don’t mind. Now c’mon don’t laugh, please.
I have also realised, people these days are easily giving up the hopes of surviving. Not a single day has passed when I haven’t spoken to someone who is going through an emotional breakdown, and these feelings are valid too, but crying all the time will make you vulnerable and dull. We don’t want that if we want to fight together against this. Right? Why’d you think I am reading books on nature and self evaluation? We have the time to do things we thought we did not have time for, start toh karo. Shuru nahi karoge toh how would you ever feel that you can actually do something else other than being online all the time? Kuch bhi karo. Cell phones ka use kam karo and do something productive. I might sound like a mom right now but what I am saying is valid. I have a friend who recently started reading books, and he already is feeling a lot better than before, I asked him yesterday if he is feeling good. He said, reading books was the best thing to do. Ever. Find what you like, except staying active on social media all day. Now what excuses can you have?
Meanwhile, here are some pictures I thought you all see in this testing time :)
Hope you feel better. And if you don’t, I am always one text/email away.
Hope you feel better. And if you don’t, I am always one text/email away.
Hope you all feel better. Stay at home & stay safe. Sending all the positive vibes & love to everyone :) <3
